


Ghost Out Of His Grave

by lakesandquarries



Series: Jump the Fence [2]
Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Autistic Benrey (Half-Life), Body Horror, Gordon Freeman has ADHD, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Benrey (Half-Life), M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, excessive mentions of target, might be frenreylatta? we shall see, more characters will show up but i'm just tagging them for now, thats not a tag yet??? wack, unreality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:04:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27290128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lakesandquarries/pseuds/lakesandquarries
Summary: Benrey and Gordon adapt to living together. Some days are better than others.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: Jump the Fence [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1971499
Comments: 36
Kudos: 152





	1. ghost in your house

**Author's Note:**

> if this fic looks familiar it's b/c i actually uploaded it before! however i'm reuploading it now to put it as part of a longer series and now it's multichapter.

It’s early when Gordon wakes up. Or late, depending on how you look at it. The sky outside is dark, with a faint glow that means the sun is about to rise. When he looks at his alarm clock it reads just past 6:30

If he really wanted, he could go back to sleep. But Benrey was acting weird last night, and Gordon was a little... concerned. Benrey had only been living with Gordon for a few days but he had gotten a decent idea of what they were like. Last night, he’d been all...jumpy, distracted, quiet. He’d barely spoken to Gordon, hadn’t eaten, didn’t even seem interested in the Mario game he was playing. Gordon had watched him fail the same stage 4 times in a row. 

He’s not worried about them. It’s just, when your roommate is some kind of eldritch horror, you gotta pay attention when they seem off. 

Gordon stumbles out of his room with eyes still bleary, glasses clutched in one hand, and almost walks straight into Benrey. “You’re up early,” he says, rubbing his eyes until his vision comes into focus. Benrey looks slightly dazed, standing in the middle of the living room with...hold on. 

“Is that my backpack?”

“Uhhhhhhhh. Nope.”

“Don’t fuckin lie to me, man, that’s mine. What’re you doing with it?”

Benrey just keeps staring. Their pupils are huge in the dim lighting, round like a cats. They have the same weird glow, too. Gordon squints his eyes at them, folding his arms. Finally, they say, “I was just gonna leave.”

Oh, goddamnit. “Dude, it’s 6 am. Where exactly are you planning on going?”

“Uh. Y’know. Out.”

“I don’t know, actually,” Gordon says. He’s trying his best to keep his tone even, but he can’t help the bit of anger that slips out. What the  _ fuck _ is Benrey playing at here?

Benrey sings a bubble of pale gray sweet voice, followed by an assortment of clear. Fuck, Gordon wishes he knew what that meant. He’ll have to ask Tommy later. Benrey is still quiet otherwise, and Gordon sighs. “Benrey,” he says, gentler. “What’s going on?”

Benrey huffs, looking away and adjusting his hat. “’m sick of waiting,” they mumble, barely intelligible. 

“W - Waiting for  _ what? _ ”

The perpetual shadow over his eyes seems to get darker, somehow. “Y’know,” they say again, and this time Gordon explodes.

“I don’t! I don’t know fucking  _ anything _ because you won’t talk to me! All you do is sit around playing video games and being fucking cryptic and now you’re trying to sneak out at 6 in the goddamn morning!” His fists have found their way into his hair, gripping tightly. 

More of those clear bubbles slip out, then black to a dark red. “I’m n - I’m not supposed to be here,” Benrey says, voice flat. “I’m - you killed me.”

Gordon winces at the reminder. “Yeah, well, you got my arm chopped off, so -”

“‘m not mad,” they add quickly. “‘s just how things had to go. But, uh, I’m not…” he trails off, making an obnoxious lip smacking noise. “I don’t have my passport for this area.”

Gordon sighs. “Since when do you care?”

“Mmb,” Benrey says. “Uhhhh.” More of the red bubbles. “Why’re you so mad about this?”

“Why am I mad about you trying to  _ leave in the middle of the night?” _

“Yeah. I thought you, uh, hated me and everything.”

“I -” Gordon sighs, rubbing his temples. Yelling’s not gonna help here, if he wants to understand what the hell is happening. He forces his voice to sound calm, or at least as calm as he can manage. Deep breaths, he thinks, his new mantra when dealing with Benrey. “It’s more complicated than that, man.” Honestly, he doesn’t hate Benrey as much as he used to. He doesn’t  _ like _ him, but…he’s not the worst roommate, and he’s a lot less antagonistic now. He’s followed all of Gordon’s rules and been almost a non-presence in the house. “I mean, we’ve never even talked about…everything.”

“I got your arm chopped off,” Benrey says. 

“Yeah, and I’m still pissed about that. But you haven’t done anything like that  _ here _ .” 

“Sooo can I go now?”

“What? No!” God, he’s exhausting to talk to. “Why do you wanna leave?”

He smacks his lips again, looking at the floor. “‘s easier than waiting to get kicked out,” they say. 

Gordon rubs his temples again. “I’m not gonna kick you out -”

Benrey looks up at him, eyes narrowed. “You - I - you’re the, the main character. I’m the uh…the bad guy. Duh,” and then he starts humming what Gordon thinks is supposed to be  _ Bad Guy  _ by Billie Eilish. “Right? You beat me. Kill the bad guy, win the game. But now, uh…shit’s all fuck. Bad guy respawned.” He shoots Gordon a wry, tired smile. “So, game’s not over, right? Game, uh….new stage. But you, you’re still the good guy. Fucking, little plumber man Mario. Princess is in another castle, gotta beat Bowser again. Just cause it’s a new stage doesn’t mean Mario and Bowser are gonna be bros. Right?”

He’s about to yell at Benrey for not making any sense when it clicks. “Are - do you think I’m gonna try to kill you again?”

Benrey shrugs, looking away, pulling his hat down over his face.

“Benrey,” Gordon says, trying his best to sound gentle. “I’m not - I only killed you cause you were trying to kill me! I  _ said _ I wasn’t gonna try to kill you again!”

“I wasn’t actually gonna do it,” Benrey mutters. He shoves his hands in his pockets, hunching over.

“Then why the hell were you shooting at me!” Gordon yells, nearly hitting himself with his wild gesturing.

Benrey lets out a snort, almost a laugh but too…tired. Almost sad, if that’s an emotion Benrey can actually feel. “Game’s gotta have a villain,” he says.

“Stop being fucking cryptic and just say what you mean for once,” Gordon demands. “You were trying to kill me. You  _ got my arm cut off.  _ Why?”

Benrey sighs. “Game’s gotta have a villain,” he repeats. “Doesn’t matter if...if Bowser wants to fuckin, uh, become a chef or something. He’s gotta kidnap the princess. Even if he spends the whole game hanging out with Mario, he’s still…he’s still the bad guy.”

It’s not really any more comprehensible, but, well, that's Benrey. Gordon doesn’t think it’s physically possible for him to be straightforward. The meaning is clear enough, anyway.

“”So you...didn’t wanna be the villain?”

They shrug, trying so hard to seem casual and uncaring, but their expression gives it away. There’s a glint in their eyes, a spark that’s usually missing. 

“So then what was with everything else? If you didnt wanna be the villain why were you such an  _ asshole _ the whole time?”

“Thought it’d be easier.” Their shoulders tense up, eyes softening. Maybe sad  _ is _ an emotion Benrey feels. Maybe Gordon’s been wrong all this time. “Be hard to kill someone you like, right? You’d do something stupid.”

“So, what, you got my arm cut off so I’d be mad at you? I was pissed  _ before _ that.”

“I didn’t think they were gonna fuck you up that bad. And it wasn’t - it wasn’t s’pposed to be  _ real. _ ” Yellow eyes dart around, looking at anything but Gordon.

“The fuck does that mean?”

“It was just a game. It wasn’t real. You’re just, you were just some dude playing a video game, right? When Mario gets punched it’s like, whatever. The guy playing doesn’t care. If he gets punched enough though maybe he’ll just like...give up. Bowser gets to, uh, release the princess and go fuck around. I didn’t...'s supposed to just be a game over when Mario gets beat up. Load save.”

“And what about the boss shit at the end? Where you were, y’know, trying to kill me?”

A flicker of emotion flashes over Benrey’s face, before he goes back to his usual deadpan stare. “Uhhhhhh. Bow -”

Gordon shakes his head, “No, no more of that fucking Mario metaphor. Just - can you just talk like a normal person for five minutes?”

“Nah.”

Gordon wants to tear his hair out. He pinches his nose, taking a deep breath, and then another, until he feels like he can speak without trying to beat the shit out of Benrey. “Just. Answer the question. Why did you try to kill me?”

“I don’t remember?”

“Are you fucking with me right now?”

“No!” Benrey says, something close to offense in his voice, like he's actually hurt Gordon doesn’t believe him, but then he drops right back into that tired tone he usually has. “It was all...fuzzy. TV static, but like, in my head? And nothing, uh, nothing was like….real. I just….” he shrugs, picking at his nails. “‘I’m just vibing, bro.” Gordon takes another deep breath, cleaning his fists and preparing to say something, but Benrey presses on. “I tried to turn back. Before we went in, I told you, we had to go back. You didn’t listen.”

“Of course I didn’t listen!” He throws his arms up in the air in sheer exasperation. “You’d been saying nothing but bullshit up until then! How do I know this isn’t more bullshit, huh? How do I know you’re not just - trying to get me to let my guard down, so you can actually kill me?”

Benrey makes a low noise, accompanied by a handful of brownish-blue bubbles. “‘m not,” he mutters. “I didn’t - I don’t wanna be bad.” The shadow over his eyes is black now, the yellow of his eyes unsettlingly dim. 

“Then why not fucking  _ say something? _ ”

“Couldn’t.” 

Gordon raises an eyebrow. “And why’s that?”

“It’s like - uh -” They smack their lips again. “Like a fucking, uh, dam. The thing beavers make. Beaver can’t get through.”

At least he’s dropped the Mario metaphor. “Okay. So. Let me recap. You…didn’t want to be the villain, you were trying to get me to...quit? And when that didn’t work, you intentionally pissed me off so I’d kill you at the end ‘cause you couldn’t actually say what was going on.”

“Basically, yeah.”

Well, fuck. When Gordon says it out loud like that it’s…actually kinda sad. 

No. No! He’s not gonna start feeling bad for fucking  _ Benrey _ of all people. Gordon balls his fists, pushing down every stupidly sympathetic emotion he’s having. “Okay. Let’s backtrack a bit. Why are you telling me all this?”

Benrey shrugs. “Got tired of waiting for you to kill me.”

“I already said, I’m not -”

Benrey glitches. His face disappears for a second, replaced by a cracked and decayed skull, and then suddenly he’s normal again. A shriek tears its way out of Gordon as he backs away from them, almost slamming into the wall. For a second he’s back in Xen, watching Benrey’s massive form glitch and deform, and then he shakes his head and reminds himself that he’s in his apartment and Benrey is at least the  _ size _ of a human being. “What the  _ hell _ was that?”

“How come you don’t believe me but I’m supposed to believe you? Huh? Gordon got trust issues? Gordon skeptic man?”

“I think I’ve got  _ more _ than enough reasons to have fucking trust issues, man!” He’s still pressed against the wall, hands curling into fists. 

“But Benrey’s gotta trust you. Benrey’s not allowed to be scared.”

“Are you saying you’re fucking  _ afraid of me? _ ”

Benrey’s Sweet Voice is high pitched and vaguely dark, like a bubble made of shadows. Gordon can’t translate, but it feels like a yes.

“You know what? I think I’m okay with that.” Gordon peels himself off the wall, stepping closer to Benrey, holding out his prosthetic hand. “Now you get how I felt the entire fucking time we were in Black Mesa.”

The bubbles get darker, a deep, almost dripping black. “‘m sorry,” Benrey mumbles.

Gordon blinks. “What?”

They repeat themself, louder this time. “I’m sorry. For. Uh. Everything?”

The only thing Gordon can think to say is, “What the fuck?”

“I’m tryna be nice!” Benrey says. He’s  _ pouting _ . Like a little kid or some shit. “It’s called an  _ apology _ , bro.”

“I know what a fucking apology is! I just wasn’t expecting one from  _ you _ , of all people!”

“I don’t wanna be bad,” Benrey says quietly. “Can I go now?”

“What?” Fuck, with everything else they’ve been...arguing about, Gordon forgot this whole thing started because Benrey was trying to leave. “No!”

Benrey opens his mouth, looking like he’s about to say something, but all that comes out is Sweet Voice. A  _ lot _ of Sweet Voice. Black to red, gray to clear, dripping black, translucent dark, swirling around him until Gordon can’t even see Benrey under all the bubbles. When they fade...Benrey’s still standing there, and he’s crying.

Gordon’s never seen him cry before.

“I don’t wanna be bad,” Benrey says again. “This was supposed to be my chance to be not bad.” They scrub at their eyes, turning away from Gordon. “This - this is sucks.”

Fuck.

He doesn’t want to feel bad. He doesn’t want to feel sympathetic. Benrey spent the entire time they were in Black Mesa trying to fuck with Gordon, and a few tears don’t erase that.

But.

“I believe you,” Gordon says. Benrey turns back around.

“Wha?”

“I believe you,” Gordon says again. “That you didn’t wanna...do everything that you did.” He pauses, closing his eyes for a second. “And - I’m sorry too.”

Benrey stares. Does not blink. Continues to not blink as the silence drags on, until Gordon feels like he has to say something else.

“I kinda...assumed you were a piece of shit from the beginning. Didn’t really give you a chance, I guess. So. I’m sorry for all of that, and for the whole, killing you thing.”

“You don’t gotta apologize for that,” Benrey mumbles. He’s still not blinking, eyes wide. “Uh. Thanks.” 

“And - if you really wanna leave…” Gordon sighs. He still doesn’t trust Benrey, not in the way he trusts Tommy and Dr. Coomer and even Bubby. But. “I’m not gonna stop you.”

“If I stay are you gonna…be less mad? Less Gordon Angy Momence?”

“I’ll - I’ll try.”

“I, uh. I think I’ll stay.”

“I’m gonna -” Fuck, he’d been planning on getting up before this. He’d been all ready to start his day. Yeah, fuck that. “I’m gonna go back to sleep.”

“Gordon sleepman,” Benrey says, nodding his head. He taps his fingers together. “Hey,” he says, holding his hands up. “You wanna. Uh. Hug?”

He’s not even gonna try to understand what’s happening now. “You know what? Sure.” He steps forward and lets Benrey wrap his arms around him, and after a moment, wraps his around them. It’s…not entirely unpleasant. Benrey is a good bit shorter than Gordon, so with them leaning in against his chest he ends up with his head perched on theirs, hat scratching his chin a bit. Benrey’s arms are thick and strong, and the way he’s holding Gordon should be terrifying but somehow it’s not.

He steps back after a minute, scrubbing at his face again. “Cool. Uh. Poggers,” Benrey says, and Gordon rolls his eyes but he’s smiling a little despite himself. 

“Good - well, it’s not night anymore, but. You get the idea. I’m gonna go pass out.”

“Cool,” Benrey says again. 

Gordon stumbles back into his room, collapsing into bed. It’s the most peaceful sleep he’s had since before Black Mesa.


	2. ghost in your arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey goes outside

Benrey manages half an hour of lying on the couch before he finds himself in Gordon’s room. He’s still reeling from everything that just happened, rolling Gordon’s apology around in his mind over and over again, like a looping video he can’t pause. He hadn’t prepared for that as a possibility. He’d been expecting to end the night tied to the couch, or hiding in a dumpster, or dead.

Gordon had hugged him. That had seemed like such an unrealistic outcome that he hadn’t even let himself daydream about it.

He looks peaceful when he’s asleep. Does Benrey look like that? Or is it just another thing that’s special about Gordon? His curly hair is spread around his head, like a messy brown halo. The angel one, not the game. He’d looked more like the other kind of halo when they were in Black Mesa, but Benrey hasn’t seen his armor at all since they ended up in his house. Here, Gordon just wears t-shirts and jeans and stuff. He seems kinda...softer, somehow. 

Or maybe Benrey’s just tired and imagining things.

He tiptoes across the room quietly, sliding onto the bed as carefully as he can. It shifts under his weight, but Gordon doesn’t wake up, so Benrey climbs on. It’s a lot comfier than his couch is. Gordon’s got some kinda thick fluffy blanket on top, with the really soft kind of texture Benrey likes. 

Gordon won’t mind if he curls up, right? He’s not gonna sleep or anything. Just. Hang out, for a little. Be gone before Feetman even wakes up.

Benrey makes himself comfortable, and before he knows it, he’s asleep.

\---

He wakes up to movement, something nudging him. Blinking his eyes open, he sees a grumpy looking Gordon staring at him.

Aw fuck.

“G’morning,” he mumbles, attempting to stretch and nearly rolling off.

Gordon snorts. “Why’re you on my bed?”

Benrey rolls back so his face is buried in the blanket. “Mmm. Comfy.”

“Yeah, fair point,” Gordon says. Something soft hits Benrey. He lifts his face to see Gordon’s thrown the covers back. “Any other reason?”

“Mmmb,” Benrey says again. Gordon sighs.

“Right.” He grabs a hair tie off his nightstand, pulling his hair into a ponytail. Benrey can see the streaks of gray hiding under the brown. Sexy. “Dude. Is there a reason you’re staring at me?”

“Can we go somewhere?” Benrey blurts out. 

“Wha?”

“Uh.” They hadn’t actually planned to ask that. Shit. Benrey looks away, staring at Gordon’s half open dresser, clothes hanging off awkwardly. “Weren’t we gonna like...get me stuff?”

“Oh, yeah,” Gordon says. “Shit, I forgot about that. You wanna go to Target?”

Benrey has never heard of Target before in his life. “Tarjet,” he says.

“Okay well, let me get dressed first,” Gordon says, standing up. “Benrey. That means  _ leave. _ ”

“Right,” he mutters, slinking off into the living room, where he waits perched on the couch, picking at a loose thread on his shirt. The prospect of going outside suddenly seems very, very scary. He hasn’t left Gordon’s apartment since he showed up. The closest he’s gotten to going outside has been standing in front of an open window. And in Black Mesa…

He’s not thinking about that. 

Gordon steps out of the bedroom. He shoots Benrey a smile as they scoot off the couch, grabbing his keys out of the bowl he keeps next to the door. 

Outside of the apartment are more hallways. It’s a little reminiscent of the Black Mesa dorms, but less ugly. Gordon leads Benrey down the hall, to a door with a bright red EMERGENCY sign over it. “Shortcut,” he says by way of explanation, and then he pushes the door open and -

And -

Holy shit.

He’s been outside Black Mesa before. Sorta. Technically. He has stepped out of the building and seen the desert that surrounds it, the brown dust and brown rocks and brown sky.

The sky is blue here. The grass is green, and so are the trees, and there’s cars going down the street in a million different colours and Benrey can’t do anything besides stare.

“Woah,” he mumbles, kneeling down to touch the grass. It’s damp, and when he pulls on it the dirt underneath is a rich brown, nothing like the dull dust of Black Mesa.

“Hey man, c’mon, leave the grass alone. What are you doing?”

Right. Right, Gordon’s here, Gordon’s  _ watching  _ him - he glances over and Gordon is squinting at him, like Benrey’s doing something weird. He stands up quickly, dusting himself off. 

“Uhhhhh. Making sure the grass passes inspection,” Benrey says.

“Right,” Gordon says. “Can I ask you something?”

Benrey blinks. “You just did.”

Gordon rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“Uhhh. Sure?”

“Have - have you ever been out of Black Mesa before?”

His tone is - not angry. The rare soft tone he gets sometimes but never really talks to Benrey with. Genuine curiosity.

It wouldn’t be a lie, to say yes. Technically. He’s stepped outside! 

But...that was still Black Mesa property. Even Xen - it was basically part of Black Mesa, at that point. And Benrey knows what Gordon’s trying to get at. He stares up at the sky, the bright blue sky and the fluffy white clouds and the sun that hurts his eyes.

“No,” he says.

“Oh,” Gordon says, and then he goes quiet for a moment. “I could…show you around, if you want. After we go to Target.”

Gordon’s eyes are nice in the sun. Benrey never really got a good look in Black Mesa, between the helmet and the bad lighting and the getting killed. Up here, his eyes are green, with a ring of brown in the center, like the bright green grass with the dirt underneath. 

“Uhhh. Yeah, sure. If you wanna.” Benrey shoves their hands in the pockets of their sweatpants, and Gordon smiles at him, and it hurts his eyes like the sun did.

“Cool,” Gordon says, and then he reaches forward and grabs Benrey’s hand.

Gordon’s hand is warm. His skin doesn’t have the chill Benrey’s does, or the gray-ish tint. Everything about Gordon is warm and brown, from his hair to his skin to his eyes, and his hand is soft and his nails are painted orange to match his prosthetic and he’s still smiling even as Benrey stands there staring.

It’s only when Gordon pulls his hand away that Benrey realizes they’ve moved. They’re in front of a car now - Gordon’s, presumably - and Gordon seems to be expecting Benrey to do something.

“Dude. Get in. I know you know how to get into a car.”

Wordlessly, Benrey pulls the door open, scrambling in. Gordon gets in on the other side, giving a glance to Benrey - and then suddenly he’s leaning across them to buckle them in, arm brushing against Benrey’s chest.

“C’mon, seatbelts are one of the laws I agree with,” Gordon huffs.

404, Benrey not found. Benrey.exe has crashed. Would you like to reboot?

“You - you, you agreeing with laws? Laws are - laws’re for losers.” The words catch on his teeth, barely coherent even to himself. Gordon clicks the seat belt in and gives him a sidelong glance.

“You okay?”

“Uh-huh,” Benrey says, pulling their beanie down over their face.

“...Right,” Gordon says. The car engine makes a growling noise, and Benrey pushes his beanie back, leaning against the window. Gordon’s a better driver than Bubby. Probably? He hasn’t spent a lot of time in cars. But Gordon seems to know what he’s doing, turning on the radio and humming along mindlessly as they drive. Benrey can’t help but glance over at him every few minutes, even as most of his attention is focused on the world outside. It’s bright and colourful and there’s so many  _ people _ . And he’d thought Black Mesa was crowded.

The car stops. “We’re here,” Gordon announces, cutting the music off. When Benrey glances over, Gordon’s eyebrows are scrunched up, squinting a little. “Are you sure you’re good?”

“Whu?”

“I mean is this gonna be like…” He runs a hand through his ponytail. “You just said you’ve never been outside Black Mesa. This has to be like, a lot for you.”

Benrey shrugs. “‘s fine. I’m - I’m a great cool, bro. I’ll be chill.”

Gordon stares a moment longer. “Okay. But, uh, tell me if it gets too much? And don’t -” he pauses, rubbing his face. “Don’t start shit or anything. Don’t try to, I don’t know, don’t start shapeshifting in the middle of Target. And no Sweet Voice! No - no weird magic shit or whatever.”

“‘s not  _ magic _ ,” Benrey grumbles.

“Whatever it is! None of that, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He folds his arms, huffing. “Never let me have any fun.”

“I’m just trying to not get us kicked out, man.” Gordon opens the door, stepping out - and a second later, opens Benrey’s door.

“I can get out myself,” Benrey whines, as Gordon leans over him again. He freezes.

“You seemed like you were having a hard time getting in, so…” Gordon steps back. “Benrey?”

“Hh,” Benrey says. He forces himself out of the car and to his feet. “You gotta - you gotta warn me, bro.”

“Warn you of what?”

“When you’re gonna - “ he reaches out, flicking Gordon’s shirtsleeve.

“Oh. Uh, yeah, I can do that. Look, let’s - lets go inside?”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to my beta reader for not realizing how gay benrey is in this chapter until i rewrote the whole thing from his perspective
> 
> this is meant to be slow burn i swear i am doing my best. 
> 
> sorry this one's a bit short! i wanted to separate the bit of benrey perspective. i know it's been all gordon but i wanted to swap for a bit.


	3. ghost in the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> benrey leaves the house for the first time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI IT'S BEEN A WHILE.....i got distracted with other fics but i do wanna still finish this one. anyway today is hlvrai's birthday so i thought i would update it.  
> PREVIOUSLY: gordon woke up in his apartment after leaving chuck e cheese only to find the rest of the science team has spawned as well. and then benrey showed up on his couch. gordon let benrey stay with with, stopped him from leaving in the middle of the night, and now they're sorta trying to be friends!  
> IN THIS EPISODE: they go to target again

As soon as they step inside, Gordon remembers why he’d been putting off getting Benrey stuff. The first thing they do is ask to sit in the cart after watching a little kid get in, and as soon as Gordon explains that it’s not made for grown men (or whatever Benrey is) they try to climb into the main part of the cart.

He lets them push it, only for Benrey to nearly crash into a display within ten seconds.

“You are a disaster waiting to happen,” Gordon grumbles, grabbing the cart. “No, you’re a disaster  _ actively happening. _ ”

Benrey just gives him a sharp toothed grin.

“Okay. We’re here for clothing, right? Let’s just - Benrey!” They’ve already wandered off, into the makeup section of all things, holding up a tube of blue lip gloss.

“Says it’s candy flavoured,” Benrey informs Gordon as he maneuvers the cart through the narrow aisles.

“I’m not buying you that,” Gordon says. 

“Aw, why not? Don’t want me to look prettier than you?”

Is Gordon imagining things, or did Benrey just imply he’s pretty?

He shakes his head. “We’re here for  _ clothes. _ ”

“It’s like, $5.” Benrey pouts.

“I’m not made of money, dude.” Gordon pinches the bridge of his nose. Yeah, okay, he has a shit ton of money all of a sudden. But he also doesn’t have a job, so he’s not gonna blow all that money on whatever random shit Benrey wants. “Put it back.”

They grumble, but when Gordon’s managed to get the cart back out into the main aisle and Benrey’s next to him again, the lipgloss is gone.

Gordon doesn’t let Benrey out of his sight as he leads them to the Men’s section. “Don’t go too crazy. You can get like…five of each thing. Yeah, that seems like a good number.” Benrey huffs and rolls their eyes, but starts looking through the shirts, carefully considering each of them. 

“What’s with the...the dudes?” he asks, holding up a shirt with Invader Zim characters. 

“It’s from a cartoon,” Gordon says. “Have you never seen Invader Zim?”

Benrey puts the shirt back. “Uh. No.”

“Damn, I thought that would’ve been something you liked.” He glances over the other shirts, with an assortment of familiar characters. “What about this one? You know this guy?” he asks, pointing at a shirt with Spongebob on it. Benrey shakes his head. “You’ve never seen  _ Spongebob _ ? I thought that’d definitely be something you were into.”

“I know Spongebob,” Benrey says, grabbing the shirt to get a better look. “Didn’t recognize him all - crisp.”

“ _ Crisp? _ ”

“Yeah, y’know. He’s always like...lil fuzzy dude.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? What version of Spongebob were you watching?” It’s incredible how Benrey can turn anything into an argument, just by saying whatever bizarre thoughts pop into his head. 

“Spongebob! The little, the cartridge was like, green and white and orange, that’s how I could tell it apart from the others…” He’s gesturing with his hands, like he’s holding something. Like…

“Are - did you watch Spongebob on a fucking  _ Gameboy Advance? _ ”

“Yeah!” Benrey says, snapping their fingers with a grin. “Had some others, too. Shrek was the best.”

“They have Shrek on the - nevermind, that’s not important.” Gordon leans back against the cart. “What kind of weird ass childhood did you have that you grew up watching Spongebob on a Gameboy Advance?”

Benrey’s face drops. “A shitty one,” he mutters, turning back to the shirts.

Gordon winces, leaning back against the cart. Right. Bad question, Gordon.

He’s quiet as Benrey finishes picking out his clothing, and doesn’t say anything when it’s a bit more than he’d suggested. He doesn’t comment on how Benrey keeps blinking, shutting his eyes harder than should be necessary. 

Should he apologize? Would that make things worse? It’s probably a conversation better suited for when they’re home. Or maybe Gordon’s just a coward.

Either way, Benrey seems done, so Gordon leads him over to the checkout. There’s only a couple cashiers available, with long lines on both, so Gordon grabs a magazine to look over, Benrey peering over his shoulder.

It’s one of the weirdo conspiracy ones, because those are always at least mildly entertaining. It’s mostly the usual kind of stuff - some random celebrity secretly died, this other celebrity secretly didn’t - but tucked off to the side he finds one thing that really piques his interest.

“Experimental Lab Blown Up By U.S. Government?” is the headline, and it seems to be accusing Black Mesa of “unethical and dangerous science” and claiming the government had it blown up to “protect citizens”.

“Benrey,” he says, about to point it out to him, only to realize Benrey has completely vanished. “ _ Shit, _ ” he mutters, pulling the cart out of line. Fuck. Where the hell did they go?

Gordon retraces the route they’d taken, heading back to the Men’s section. There - by the fitting room, he thinks he sees a person in a gray beanie duck past an employee.

She seems pretty distracted, luckily. Gordon abandons the cart, darting past her. “Benrey?” he calls out, poking his head into the empty stalls.

There’s only one closed door, all the way in the back. Fuck, Gordon hopes he didn’t just chase down a random person. He knocks on the door. “Benrey? You in there?”

“No,” Benrey says.

Gordon sighs. “Benrey, c’mon, just open the door. Please?”

The door swings open. Benrey stands there, head tilted down like the floor is the most interesting thing he’s ever seen. He’s shaking slightly, shoulders up around his ears, a couple of those dark translucent bubbles Gordon saw the night before floating around.

Gordon stays in the doorway, chewing on the inside of his lip as he tries to figure out what to say. “What’s going on?” is what he settles with, trying to keep his tone gentle. 

“‘s nothing,” Benrey mutters, still not looking up. “Uh, uh, I. I got bored standing in line. Yeah.”

“Dude, c’mon. I’m trying to help.” He might be some kind of terrifying fucked up alien, but right now, Gordon just feels kinda bad for him.  _ Something _ has him upset. 

“Maybe I don’t want help. Idiot.”

The insult doesn’t piss him off like it usually would. There’s no bite behind it. 

“Is this about the shirt?”

Benrey’s quiet for a moment. “I saw the - the thing you were reading. About - y’know.” Gordon doesn’t speak, waiting to see if Benrey will say more. “‘s stupid,” they mumble.

“It’s not stupid if it’s got you this freaked out,” Gordon says.

Benrey’s fidgeting with their hat again, tugging on the ends of it. “BM’s not s’posed to be real,” he says finally. “None of it was. I thought - I thought it’d stay not-real.” Their hands are trembling, and they stop fidgeting with their beanie, pressing their hands together instead. A few more dark bubbles slip out. “I don’t wanna go back.”

“Black Mesa’s completely destroyed, dude. No one’s gonna make you go back.” It’s such a bizarre flip from how Benrey normally is, Gordon has no idea how to handle it. “No one’s  _ alive _ to make you go back.”

“I don’t wanna go back,” Benrey says again, this time more of a choked whisper. Oh, fuck, he better not start crying. This is awkward enough as is.

“No one’s gonna make you go back,” Gordon repeats. “I - I promise.” He rubs the back of his neck, hoping he’s saying the right things. “I won’t let that happen.”

Benrey pitches forward suddenly, burying their face in Gordon’s shirt. Gordon wraps his arms around them almost on autopilot, reminded of Joshua when he’s upset.

“Shit,” he whispers. “Okay, uh. Just. Breathe, okay? You’re fine. Everything’s fine.”

There’s a sniffling sound. Gordon pats their back. Benrey’s definitely crying - Gordon can feel his shirt getting damp. He starts rubbing circles into their back, the same way he does with Joshua. 

The two of them stand there a while longer, Benrey continuing to cry into Gordon’s shirt while Gordon mumbles awkward assurances, until finally they pull back. 

“You okay?” Gordon asks. Benrey nods, wiping at their face.

“Let’s go,” he says, pushing past Gordon out of the fitting room.

What the  _ fuck _ , Gordon thinks to himself. Clearly this is something they’re gonna need to talk about more. But. Later, when Benrey’s less likely to burst into tears again. 

They get through checkout without any trouble. Gordon doesn’t bother looking at any magazines this time, instead taking a moment to send a text to Tommy asking what the shadow-y bubbles mean. Benrey’s quiet, attention caught by the candy selection. Gordon reaches past him, grabbing a couple kit kats and a bag of skittles and adding them to their stack of stuff.

Once they’re in the car, Gordon passes Benrey one of the kit kats. “You big on candy?” he asks, opening his own.

Benrey looks over it quizzically. “Only really had like, the little...the foil ones. With the paper. Hershey’s kisses.”

“Oh, those  _ suck _ ,” Gordon says, snapping the kit kat. “Hershey used to fucking like, put sawdust in their chocolate. I don’t trust that shit.”

Benrey’s mouth drops open, candy bar forgotten. “What? Tommy said those are the best kinda chocolate.”

“Listen, I love Tommy, but - he does not have the best taste. I mean, fucking  _ coolattas? _ ”

Benrey shakes his head. “Can’t trust anyone.”

Gordon snorts. “Look, try the kit kat. Tell me what you think.”

It’s moments like these when Gordon regrets interacting with Benrey. He unwraps the kit kat and, instead of breaking it, bites directly into it.

“Crunchy,” he says.

It’s not even worth it to say anything, is it? Gordon just sighs as Benrey eats, leaning back in his seat. When Benrey’s done mangling his kit kat, he goes to shove the wrapper in his pocket, only to start laughing. Gordon squints at him, trying to figure out what he’s doing, and Benrey pulls something out of his pocket. Something blue, and glittery.

“Mother _ fucker _ . Did you steal the fucking lip gloss?”

He peels the plastic off with his teeth, licking the applicator. “Doesn’t taste like the kit kat,” he announces.

“Not all candy is chocolate.”

Benrey frowns. “I think it just tastes like glitter.”

“Glitter has a flavor?”

The drive home is...peaceful. Quiet, but not the awkward silence from earlier. Benrey’s making his way through the bag of skittles, bubbles of brightly coloured Sweet Voice following each different flavor.

It’s a few hours later that Gordon gets a response from Tommy.

> **Dark like the shade means “I’m afraid”**

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy hlvrai anniversary!!!!! sorry i haven't updated this fic in two months i kept getting distracted by other stuff. side note that every product mentioned here is real and i have in fact watched the gameboy advance versions of spongebob and it's VERY funny. you can find them online pretty easily and i highly recommend them. uhhhhh yeah thats it feel free to roast me for how much i mention target in the comments i thought it was nromal to go like once a week

**Author's Note:**

> part two baybeyyyyyyy
> 
> VERY excited for this part. tentatively going to say 5 chapters but subject to change b/c i keep getting ideas for this part.
> 
> titles from ghosting by mother mother, which also inspired the first chapter.
> 
> i'm on tumblr @ lakesandquarries. come talk to me!
> 
> sweet voice translation:  
> gray to clear: i shouldn’t be here  
> black to red: i should be dead  
> dirty blue: i don’t wanna hurt you  
> dark like the shade: i’m afraid  
> black and tarry: i’m sorry


End file.
